‘Looks like the sun is going to come out…’
Simple words. I have heard some version of them thousands of times.
I don’t know why today was different. Why today made me feel different.
It’s like I was waiting to hear them.
I gazed up at the cloud-filled sky. I could see the sun. Just starting to poke through.
And I instantly knew.
The sun is not coming out. It will never come out.
Not in my lifetime.
It doesn’t rise either. It won’t rise. It will never rise again.
I can say that with one hundred percent certainty. That’s not what the sun does.
Because the sun is already out.
It’s always out. It’s always been out. It will always be out.
The sun rose once. A long, long, long time ago. And has been up in that sky ever since.
It’s been in that sky for the entirety my small existence. It has forever been out. For the entirety of human existence.
It is forever risen.
It’s up there all the time. It’s been up there for all time. Right where it always was.
Waiting for me. Shining for me.
Waiting for. And shining for. All of us.
That doesn’t mean that sunlight is always on me. That doesn’t mean I don’t get blanketed in darkness. It doesn’t mean clouds don’t block the sun. It doesn’t mean storms don’t come. And blot out the sun completely.
Just in those times. The sun is not gone. It’s not even in another location. It’s in the same location. I’m in another location.
The sun is not gone. I’m gone.
When the sun is nowhere to be seen or felt. It means I’m so far gone.
The difference may seem subtle. But it’s not. This is a great thing.
All is not lost, I am lost. I just have to find my way again.
It puts the responsibility on me. It gives the power back to me.
I know exactly where the sun is. Even in the dark of the night. Even if have to travel halfway around the world. Just to see it. Just to feel it. I know where it is. I know it’s there. I know I can get there.
When storms are here. I know just have to fly above the clouds. Even amidst the worst storms. Even when it feels like there is a total blackout.
The sun is still there. In the same place. Shining gloriously above. As blinding as it’s ever been. As warm as it’s always been. As nourishing as it’s always will be.
As dark as it may be sometimes. That sun is so bright. It’s blinding.
And most importantly, it’s always there. I just have to go to it.
Doubt will creep into my head. I don’t know if I can get half way across the world. I don’t know how to fly. Or I can’t fly. There is no way I could get above these clouds. Above this storm.
But I know this is just the darkness. And the storm. Playing with my mind. Keeping me down. Keeping me here.
I know plenty of people who travel all over the world. I can drop everything and just go. I can make it.
And I have flown before. So many times. I can feel myself. I can see myself. I can picture myself flying again. I will do this again. I will go as high up as I need to go. I will get above any clouds. And any storms.
The sun though. In reality. Is always much closer than that.
I just forget sometimes. My mind just gets clouded sometimes. Shook like a snow globe. My clouded mind just needs to settle. Then I realize that my sun is right here. Right next to me. Right in front of me. All the time.
My sun exists in a child. Not just in my own one child. But it exists in almost any child. For me. It exists in a loved one. Of which I have so many in this great world. It exists in my job. Every day I get that chance to find the sun at work. I can find the sun in a beggar on the street corner. Or in the wealthiest of people in this world. I can find it in anyone I help. In anyone who helps me. People I heal. Runners I run with. People in my past, even the ones our journey was short and broke, they made me smile, they taught me a lot, they were there for me, I can’t hate them, I miss them, but I must go to the SunI need. I can even find the sun in a dog. Or a cat. Or I could find the sun wearing my running shoes, if my mouth is that ready for it. Or just tucked in between a long hug. The sun pops up in the simplicity of life’s littlest joys and it can be buried in the complexity of life’s most difficult problems.
I could go on. For a long time.
I live in the land of 1000 suns. We all do.
But it’s even more than that.
It’s even closer than that.
All I have to do, is get myself next to someone. Or something. That brings me alive. Someone truly makes me feel the breath in my lungs. Something that truly makes me feel my face. My hands. Anything or anyone that makes my senses tingle. Whatever makes my brain run.
When I am truly alive. My souls sets on fire.
For everyone in my world.
I become the sun.
You can too. You have to know that.
And as that sun. I light up the most mundane places. The most mundane circumstances. As the sun, I illuminate the most brutal circumstances. And I light people in the worst circumstances.
This isn’t the land of 1000 suns. It’s the land of infinite suns.
Once I become the sun. I turn other people into suns. I light the souls on fire.
The same way, people on fire do me.
How about I be your sun? You can be mine.
Then the next time we see each other, we can both say that it looks like the sun is going to come out. And those words will then finally be true.